On being Passionate in the NOW

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, and even more over the past few weeks, about what I want my future to look like. I have had numerous conversations with friends and even with strangers about the notion of a J.O.B. and what it means to live in a capitalist society. It seems as if our existence is driven by the desire to consume. We get jobs so that we can pay bills, buy clothes and cars and go chill with our friends at the mall. It is weird really.

Anyway, in one of my conversations with self, I realized that I am afraid to follow my dreams. I thought I was going ALL the way with following my heart's desires, but I have since discovered that this is not necessarily the case. I have just finished reading Paulo Coelho's 'Adultery' and he put it so well for me. Following your dreams is flipping scary because you don't know what's going to happen in the next moment. For me, it means going against everything I have been taught since I was a little girl and just following my gut. Joseph Campbell termed it: "Follow your Bliss". Thing with following your gut is that it does not tell you where you are going to be in ten years; that old thing called security that we love so much. It only shows you what you want to be doing NOW, it only shows you what feels right for you NOW and its flipping unsettling not to have it tell you with certainty where you are going to be at the end of next year. 

A few months ago I decided to let go of the idea of a job, I mean I have nothing to lose since I am still at school. I wanted to just sit with myself and find out what I would want to do with my life if I didn't have to get a job and if money was not an object. Magic happened. I have had to be honest with myself and it has been quite uncomfortable but very rewarding. I have also had to shut out the voices of society and think only about me. These are some of the things I have had to shut out: "Tumelo, after finishing that degree just go get a really good job. You have been provided with the best education possible and it would be such a shame should you not do well for yourself (monetarily). Upon returning to Botswana, it would be really nice for you to buy a new car and show that the seven years of studying were worthwhile. With that Actuarial degree, how about you find a well paying job at Fair Grounds and interact with other ambitious young people who want to make tons of money and show off their material worth. Also, a nice house in an affluent neighborhood would not be such a bad thing."

We call her/him Society and I am not sure this is entirely true. I find that most of us go through our lives thinking that Society wants us to do this and that, we want to do the safe and acceptable thing. But is it not us who come up with these standards? I fear that most of us are not doing what we really want to be doing, what our hearts call us to do, out of fear of what our community and peers would think and what we would think of each other. Its crazy. One of friends recently quit her job after a near-death experience. She has realized that, given that she could die any minute, she cannot waste her life doing something she is not truly passionate about. As expected, the judgments are too many to count. She is not scared at all but people around her are terrified for her. Many want to know how she will pay for her car and how she will survive. Again, it seems like security is valued more than dancing to the music in our hearts.

I believe that we all want the same thing, we want to follow our hearts. The societal expectations that we so often speak about are only the expectations we have set for ourselves. I believe tons of magic would happen if we were each to just listen closely to our hearts and dance passionately to that music.

"I haven't the slightest interest in being happy. I prefer to live life passionately, which is dangerous because you never know what might happen next." - Adultery, Paulo Coelho

Of comfort zones and the need to ACT

The decision to move to Cape Town was not an easy one to make. I came to this cross-road after having lived and studied in Bloemfontein for five years. I believe I emerged a different person from when I had first arrived. These five years have been my best thus far and I am very excited about what lies ahead. This growth was due in part to my having become racialized. I only became aware of this fact last month, after eight months of living in Cape Town. This revelation came while conversing with a mentor and sharing with him my experiences of this beautiful yet very unequal city. I shared with him how I'd become ‘Black’ in 2009 after having crossed Botswana’s border into South Africa for the very first time. It was only on that evening that we realized I had become racialized and that my judgement of South African experiences (and society) had become biased in the process. This clouded judgement, if allowed to persist, will become detrimental to South Africa’s progress.

I have had to do a lot of reflection since I came to Cape Town at the beginning of the year. I had thought I had prudently counted the cost and 'ensured' against all the 'risks' that lay ahead as I ventured out of my comfort zone. I was to discover that I could not have anticipated many of the challenges that lay ahead. My biggest challenge proved to be of adjusting to a new living and studying environment. The adjustment to the University of Cape Town was difficult. I know that I am supposed to say it was challenging but, the truth is it was difficult. I believe the worst is over though, and I couldn't be more grateful for the lessons learnt.

My reflection has revealed that I rejected and resisted Cape Town for a long time. For months I resisted. I guess part of this might have been informed by the advice I got from family and friends before I took off for the big city. I was warned that Cape Town might change me and make me 'white'. While that advice was very valid and needed, it kept me from opening myself up to Cape Town and accepting her lessons much earlier.

For months I felt dejected and very angry about the social injustices in Cape Town. When asked how I felt about the mother city I would share that although she possessed so much physical beauty, she lacked internal beauty. I would share that in her shadows lay a very deep darkness that she only revealed to those with the eyes to see. This is still very true but I have had to approach it from another angle, this was primarily for my survival. Anger is a very negative emotion and I doubt I would have made any progress in life had I clung to it.

The anger went on for months and I even wrote about it. The revelation (of the need to let go of the anger) came after I had stumbled and realized I had been doing a lot of talking about that which didn't make me happy. I was doing a lot of talking as opposed to doing something about the wrong I wanted corrected. It is true that Cape Town is very segregated and unequal, we could TALK about this for years; we have enough material. But the truth is NOTHING will change until we take action and eradicate that which we are not happy about. Don't get me wrong, I do value honest communication and dialogue. It’s just that the dialogue has to be coupled with action. Talking alone is not enough.

I have been doing a lot of talking. I have been talking a lot about race relations at the University of the Free State and the broader South Africa. I have been talking a lot about Cape Town's racial and class divides. I have been doing a lot of talking about the disadvantaged position of Africa on the global platform. I have been talking too much about leadership bankruptcy on our continent. And, I now realize that nothing will move until I get up from this very comfortable seat and starting doing something! I need to act. Those intellectual conversations, although necessary, are not going to make anything happen. They are not going create jobs nor will they emancipate us. It is true that at present South Africa's economy is owned white hands, but that will not change until a black young person makes it his mission to build a business that will lead to an exchange in ownership. We cannot wait for the white man to say sorry, we need to act now. Maybe he will say sorry, which I doubt very much, but as we wait let's take action and bring about the change we want to see in this world. Doing something could entail volunteering at a local NGO that equips unemployed youth with digital and entrepreneurial skills. It could be organizing a book-drive in your community to improve literacy levels in a local primary school. It could even be something as ‘small’ as conducting civil-rights information sessions for your neighbours or lobbying your friends to pick up litter from the streets of your town or village. Doing something could be demanding accountability from a Parliamentarian whose performance you are not happy with. Any effort will make a difference, no matter how small.

Botswana too has her problems. Her economy is also owned by white hands, and what's worse is that these white hands are foreign. We find ourselves in a situation where none of the profits made in the country are being reinvested to grow the economy and create employment. How do we grow an economy while all the money it generates is being drained to external pockets? Where do we start in diversifying that which we don't even own? As upset as I am, I know it’s possible for me to just sit here, moan and criticize these hands that are ‘stealing’ from us. But ‘reality’ is my talking will not change anything! My talking will not in any way affect these robbers; they will keep on racking huge profits. I am told that one bank, after having made millions in profits, reserved close to 70% for its foreign owners. We need to do something. A study of Botswana’s banks will show that they are RUN by Batswana. Clearly we have the skills and the experience to run and operate banks. Why can’t we open our own?

Unless we make it our daily business to do something, we can forget about progress. The future of this continent lies in our hands. What will we say when asked of our contribution to ensure prosperity on our continent? Having a nice job and driving a Range Rover is not enough, it is far from enough. I don't want Africa to perish under my watch. We need to act.

Edited version of a piece published on Bonfiire on October 8th, 2014.

Easy Conversations

In response to the 'Embracing my Contradictions' piece I posted a few weeks ago, one of my friends, a gentleman I met here in Cape Town, posed the following:

"I like how you ended this piece: "It’s a work in progress; the contradictions are still here".  I can identify. However, once people start working they don’t have the luxury of dedicating time to their hearts’ desires. Some console themselves by stating they do what they have to do so they may do what they want to do. But I’m not sure how that plays out. Once you start working, how do you see yourself resolving this tension? Let me know? I’m in an uncertain place."

It is true that many people go into the world work hoping to one day be able to do what they are really passionate about. I was one of those people; I thought I would go into corporate, retire at 40 and start working on my own thing. I have recently met a guy who is really passionate about medicine. This gentleman has a degree in Financial Management (if memory serves me right) and he has almost secured a job with one of the biggest financial firms here in Cape Town. He says he wants to accumulate as much money as he can; buy a nice house and a really expensive car and then invest the rest of his life doing what he is really passionate about. This gentleman is set to graduate at the end of the year.

Personally, I am not willing to wait another 10 years before I start working on what I am truly passionate about. I found this brilliant piece a while ago:

“Don’t die with your music still inside of you.”

I am not willing to risk dying with my song unsung.

I have a friend; a young lawyer working for one of Botswana’s law firms. We had a similar conversation earlier this year and he shared that he is not really passionate about his job. He shared that every time he walks into a courtroom, he always thinks of how he would rather be spending the time on his farm. We didn't get into why, with this awareness, he was still holding on to his job. Thing is, it’s not easy to leave once one has committed themselves to mortgages and other types of loans. For some reason, the commitments start piling once one becomes secure in receiving a monthly income that it becomes very difficult to leave. The result is usually a complete lock-down by the system. Life then becomes a mundane routine of working just to pay the bills and maintaining a lifestyle to please the external eye. I need to mention that this is not the case for everyone; I would like to believe that there are people out there who really love their jobs.

I believe it depends on what you want and what your dreams are. The bit that has been shared on this blog is my personal experience. After a lengthy period of introspection (which is ongoing) I have realized that the world of corporate work is not for me. However, I would be willing to work for an organization whose bottom-line is not financial profits but daily impact on human lives. I would also want some flexibility so that I am able to pursue my dreams. Thing is, working for somebody else means that you are helping them realize their dreams. The fundamental question then becomes, when are you going to start work on your dreams? That’s why I would want the flexibility; so I that I too can work on my dreams. As I have also shared in the 'Following Bliss' piece, I am currently trying out at not looking for a job but CREATING A JOB. I wish to not only create work for myself but for many other young people who are without jobs. Imagine if each one of us worked towards creating value and work for ourselves, unemployment rates would decline at a rate never seen before!

I had a lengthy telephonic conversation with one of my best friends a few weeks ago. She had called to just check up on me but somehow I ended up telling her about all the crazy things I want to do. By ‘crazy things’ I mean working on my dreams and not waiting for the environment to become ‘conducive enough’ before I begin doing so. The conversation went on for more than an hour with her sharing how she feels stuck in a job she has had for two years. She described the working experience as “luke-warm”. For her work has become a very mundane routine, it is neither inspiring nor worth looking forward to. She works a 9 am – 5 pm and is not able to do the things that make her heart leap for joy! She is very passionate about writing and spending time with family and finds that even after two years the money she is getting cannot make up for the life she had wanted for herself. She has since decided to allow herself a year of introspection and research. After this year she will submit a letter of resignation. She inspires me.  

I hope these shared experiences may be of help as you search for answers relevant to your heart's very unique desires.

Following Bliss

"Follow your bliss and the Universe will open doors for you where there were only walls." I was first exposed to these words in 2009 when I read Rhonda Byrne's 'The Secret' for the very first time. I need to mention how special a book this text has become to me, I take it with me everywhere I travel. Even though I first read it in 2009, it was only in 2012 that I began to understand what it was communicating to me. It was also only in 2012 that these words first 'popped out' to me! I was in the third and last year of my undergraduate degree at the time. I had been studying on one evening and had taken a break to read a section of the book. The words stirred something very deep inside of me; I wanted to know what the words meant for me and the trajectory I was on. I had in the previous year admitted (to me) that the Actuarial path was not working for me so this reading was an answer of sorts.

I have never been able to fully 'get' what these words mean. I non-the-less have had to make sense of them myself and ask for guidance from these words. For me, they mean following that which makes you feel most alive and inspired. They mean doing that which makes your heart jump for joy! They relate to those activities within which you just lose yourself! Activities that you would want do even if you were not getting paid to do them. It means doing only that which your heart says yes to. For Thomas Edison it was the light bulb, the gentleman had to have a go at it 10 000 times before he succeeded. For Henry Ford, it was building cars. For Steve Jobs, it was designing a phone with pretty buttons that people would almost want to eat! How crazy and awesome is that!

I find that over the years too much focus has been on trying to find what I wanted to be (e.g. Actuary, Psychologist or Academic) as opposed to what I wanted to do. Too much time was invested in trying to find a label for it and placing it in a box as opposed to allowing the heart to take lead and guide me into areas of passion. I also realize that much of this has been informed by my upbringing. From an early age, I have had people ask me what I wanted to be! And I had to come up with answers. I had to categorize myself and place myself is a certain box of speciality. Even though this has worked for many people, I find it to have been a point of great struggle for me over the years. With self analysis and constant self conversation, I now know that I want to do only that which I am passionate about even if this means doing an activity without a label. Much of my struggle earlier this year was due to my thinking that my degree should definitely inform what I do when I finish studying. I thought the Actuarial Science and Statistics meant that I should get a job in a bank or some corporate firm and have a corner office. Honestly, these things (corporate, corner office, corporate ladder, power suit) don't keep me awake at night. They don't inspire any form of creativity in me.

In the process I have also had to let go of wanting a JOB. The 'need' for a job is something that has also been enforced by society for a long time.  I write 'need' because we don't really need it. For twenty years, society had told me to study, get good grades and find a good job. I wish somebody had advised me to build my own empire! I have been told that success lies in wearing a power suit and driving a Range Rover. Even though I still do want my Range Rover, I don't believe that this is or should be the definition of success for me. For a long time I have been taught that success lies in a swift climb up the corporate ladder and proving me to be the best in my industry. 

I have had to let go of this misleading notion and it has been a very liberating process. It is also very scary for it entails walking away from that which has informed my decisions for two decades. It feels as if the very foundations of my doing have been taken away. It’s funny how we feel so secure in looking for a JOB and working for other people! It’s even more fascinating how scared we are to work on our dreams instead and possibly employ ourselves! I sometimes feel like I'm losing it though! I mean, who doesn't want to get a job, buy a nice car, and have drinks with friends at Capello every Friday night and talk about WORK!? It’s a scary process but it is one I am willing to embrace. I'm willing to step away (even if just for three months) from what I have been taught for twenty years and try out at a different song. I want to sing MY SONG and see how the melody appeals to me.

In my search for answers I've discovered a few things. This is what I know for sure:

- I feel most alive when in the company of youngsters, listening to stories of their dreams and helping build strategies for the realization of these dreams.

- I feel most alive when giving a word of encouragement and inspiration.

- I feel most alive as I write this.

- I feel most alive when I speak on matters of Education and youth empowerment on our African continent.

- I feel most alive when in conversation about personal growth and advancement.

- I want to BUILD things.

- If I were to get a job, I would need flexibility. I want time to BE and work on MY dreams. For me, BEING entails Yoga, a lot of reading, writing and journaling towards self-actualization. This job would also have to be in an organization whose bottom-line is direct sustainable impact in people's lives.

Universe, this is my declaration!!

Embracing my Contradictions.

I think it began with one of my colleagues, then an SRC member, asking me what business I had as a second-year Actuarial Science student reading Reverend Frank Chikane’s 'Eight Days in September'. I was then a member of the Executive Committee of the International Affairs portfolio of the SRC and probably among the very few in my class who got excited about things such as the election of a new SRC President. It was a lonely place. This took place in 2012, the year I realized I was not as passionate about Actuarial Science as I wished I was. I remember one incident in my third year; Moeletsi Mbeki had been invited to campus to deliver a public lecture! The lecture began at 2 pm and I had class from 1 pm till 3 pm. I could not wait for class to end and in my excited mood shared this with my classmates. None of them could be bothered; very few knew who I was talking about and were more worried about the next assignment than about South Africa’s poverty indicators. I constantly felt like the odd one out, the weird one (as we would term it in Primary School). My role in the Executive Committee entailed Secretarial duties and I had to be present at all meetings. I really loved this part of my student life but, it also brought with it a great sense of guilt when after class my classmates would go straight to the library while I went to serve my hour duty at the SRC Building. Even though I had counted the cost, I still felt like I was betraying myself and taking my degree and its status for granted.

Another incident took place in 2013; I think this was after I had been selected to attend the G8 Youth Summit. I was walking about in the Student Center when I ran into a gentleman who has become a very dear friend. He wanted to know how an Actuarial Science student could attend such a summit. He just couldn't get it! Between his spoken lines, he wanted to know what I knew about people and all that which concerned humanity. As an Actuarial Science student I was not expected to want to know what Moeletsi Mbeki thought to be our Architects of Poverty, I was not expected to have the content or the capacity to represent African Youth on such a platform. His question pierced my heart. I brushed it off while a light giggle and a friendly reply. My mind would constantly revisit this encounter as I continued to battle with my contradictions. It felt bearable not to be understood by my classmates, but it was very difficult to be rejected by those with whom I shared a passion or common cause.

Another incident occurred on an afternoon at the The Institute for Reconciliation and Social Justice. I can't remember what the topic of the critical conversation was for this encounter completely threw me off. It was a beautiful sunny day in Bloemfontein and I was wearing one of favorite maxi dresses. I had just got the tattoo on my back and this dress exposed was proudly sat on my back; Africa. I had a bounce in my feet!! I had also just completed my Actuarial Science degree and along with that had decided not to follow the Actuarial path; the bounce in my feet had so much to do with this decision! I felt liberated. In this good mood I made my way to the Institute (as we called it) and proceeded to greet everyone and find a seat. In my greetings I came up to one gentleman who was at the time studying for a degree in Law. Once we had exchanged our greetings, he wanted to know what I was doing at the Institute. He continued to share how he thought I should be crunching numbers somewhere or getting up to some nerdy habits. This just fueled the flames of the contradictions inside of me. I was at the time really confused about what I wanted to do with my life and his questions made it worse. I don't remember what transpired over the next two hours as I got completely consumed by these contradictions.

Fast forward to September 2014. I am now living in Cape Town and studying for a Masters in Mathematical Statistics. I live with numbers, LOL! A little over two months ago I got involved with an amazing organization, RLabs. This past Monday, as we sat and facilitated a Leadership session of the GROW Leadership Academy, one of my colleagues asked me a very interesting question. He looked at me and asked: "What are you doing here?" I burst into laughter!! He made an attempt to rephrase the question but he couldn't. I totally understood where he was coming from. He wanted to know what business a lady studying for a Masters in Mathematical Statistics had sitting on the floor with a bunch of youth people working towards re-discovering themselves and realizing their dreams. He wanted to know what business I had in the business of making HOPE contagious. My response was simple. My brain does numbers but my heart really, really, really loves people.

These are just a few of my many contradictions; some have been shared on this blog. My journey got more exciting once I began to let go and stopped trying to control how things turn out. The real MAGIC began when I let go of all definitions and defined paths. Its a work in progress; the contradictions are still here, the liberation comes with allowing them to BE and coexist within. 

Surely some revelation is at hand

I 'met' William Butler Yeats for the first time in a Literature in English class at Gaborone Senior Secondary School. The year was 2006. Poetry and I had known each other before then but it was only on this year that we would fall in love. I remember an exam question that asked that we select a poem to recite and explain in detail, 'The Second Coming' was my poem of choice and it gained me most of my marks. In hindsight, I doubt my young mind really understood what the poem was really about. 

When I read it again two weeks ago, the world was not in a good space. I was not in a good space. I was in deep thought about Gaza, about Africa and what had happened to the 200 Nigerian girls. I was in deep thought about the future of Africa and whether we will ever find a way out of colonialism. Mr Gomolemo Motswaledi had just passed away in a car accident and I was deeply concerned about the future of Botswana. I felt as if all was falling apart and this poem was just a perfect description of that.

Two years ago, I had the opportunity of listening to President Thabo Mbeki give an address at the University of Western Cape. He opened his address with this poem, it was then that I began making sense of it. I believe that was the first time I got to fully appreciate this poem, especially in the African context.

    The Second Coming

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

    Surely some revelation is at hand;
    Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
    The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
    When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
    Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;
    A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
    A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
    Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
    Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.

    The darkness drops again but now I know
    That twenty centuries of stony sleep
    Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
    And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
    Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?