Embracing my Contradictions.

I think it began with one of my colleagues, then an SRC member, asking me what business I had as a second-year Actuarial Science student reading Reverend Frank Chikane’s 'Eight Days in September'. I was then a member of the Executive Committee of the International Affairs portfolio of the SRC and probably among the very few in my class who got excited about things such as the election of a new SRC President. It was a lonely place. This took place in 2012, the year I realized I was not as passionate about Actuarial Science as I wished I was. I remember one incident in my third year; Moeletsi Mbeki had been invited to campus to deliver a public lecture! The lecture began at 2 pm and I had class from 1 pm till 3 pm. I could not wait for class to end and in my excited mood shared this with my classmates. None of them could be bothered; very few knew who I was talking about and were more worried about the next assignment than about South Africa’s poverty indicators. I constantly felt like the odd one out, the weird one (as we would term it in Primary School). My role in the Executive Committee entailed Secretarial duties and I had to be present at all meetings. I really loved this part of my student life but, it also brought with it a great sense of guilt when after class my classmates would go straight to the library while I went to serve my hour duty at the SRC Building. Even though I had counted the cost, I still felt like I was betraying myself and taking my degree and its status for granted.

Another incident took place in 2013; I think this was after I had been selected to attend the G8 Youth Summit. I was walking about in the Student Center when I ran into a gentleman who has become a very dear friend. He wanted to know how an Actuarial Science student could attend such a summit. He just couldn't get it! Between his spoken lines, he wanted to know what I knew about people and all that which concerned humanity. As an Actuarial Science student I was not expected to want to know what Moeletsi Mbeki thought to be our Architects of Poverty, I was not expected to have the content or the capacity to represent African Youth on such a platform. His question pierced my heart. I brushed it off while a light giggle and a friendly reply. My mind would constantly revisit this encounter as I continued to battle with my contradictions. It felt bearable not to be understood by my classmates, but it was very difficult to be rejected by those with whom I shared a passion or common cause.

Another incident occurred on an afternoon at the The Institute for Reconciliation and Social Justice. I can't remember what the topic of the critical conversation was for this encounter completely threw me off. It was a beautiful sunny day in Bloemfontein and I was wearing one of favorite maxi dresses. I had just got the tattoo on my back and this dress exposed was proudly sat on my back; Africa. I had a bounce in my feet!! I had also just completed my Actuarial Science degree and along with that had decided not to follow the Actuarial path; the bounce in my feet had so much to do with this decision! I felt liberated. In this good mood I made my way to the Institute (as we called it) and proceeded to greet everyone and find a seat. In my greetings I came up to one gentleman who was at the time studying for a degree in Law. Once we had exchanged our greetings, he wanted to know what I was doing at the Institute. He continued to share how he thought I should be crunching numbers somewhere or getting up to some nerdy habits. This just fueled the flames of the contradictions inside of me. I was at the time really confused about what I wanted to do with my life and his questions made it worse. I don't remember what transpired over the next two hours as I got completely consumed by these contradictions.

Fast forward to September 2014. I am now living in Cape Town and studying for a Masters in Mathematical Statistics. I live with numbers, LOL! A little over two months ago I got involved with an amazing organization, RLabs. This past Monday, as we sat and facilitated a Leadership session of the GROW Leadership Academy, one of my colleagues asked me a very interesting question. He looked at me and asked: "What are you doing here?" I burst into laughter!! He made an attempt to rephrase the question but he couldn't. I totally understood where he was coming from. He wanted to know what business a lady studying for a Masters in Mathematical Statistics had sitting on the floor with a bunch of youth people working towards re-discovering themselves and realizing their dreams. He wanted to know what business I had in the business of making HOPE contagious. My response was simple. My brain does numbers but my heart really, really, really loves people.

These are just a few of my many contradictions; some have been shared on this blog. My journey got more exciting once I began to let go and stopped trying to control how things turn out. The real MAGIC began when I let go of all definitions and defined paths. Its a work in progress; the contradictions are still here, the liberation comes with allowing them to BE and coexist within.