I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, and even more over the past few weeks, about what I want my future to look like. I have had numerous conversations with friends and even with strangers about the notion of a J.O.B. and what it means to live in a capitalist society. It seems as if our existence is driven by the desire to consume. We get jobs so that we can pay bills, buy clothes and cars and go chill with our friends at the mall. It is weird really.
Anyway, in one of my conversations with self, I realized that I am afraid to follow my dreams. I thought I was going ALL the way with following my heart's desires, but I have since discovered that this is not necessarily the case. I have just finished reading Paulo Coelho's 'Adultery' and he put it so well for me. Following your dreams is flipping scary because you don't know what's going to happen in the next moment. For me, it means going against everything I have been taught since I was a little girl and just following my gut. Joseph Campbell termed it: "Follow your Bliss". Thing with following your gut is that it does not tell you where you are going to be in ten years; that old thing called security that we love so much. It only shows you what you want to be doing NOW, it only shows you what feels right for you NOW and its flipping unsettling not to have it tell you with certainty where you are going to be at the end of next year.
A few months ago I decided to let go of the idea of a job, I mean I have nothing to lose since I am still at school. I wanted to just sit with myself and find out what I would want to do with my life if I didn't have to get a job and if money was not an object. Magic happened. I have had to be honest with myself and it has been quite uncomfortable but very rewarding. I have also had to shut out the voices of society and think only about me. These are some of the things I have had to shut out: "Tumelo, after finishing that degree just go get a really good job. You have been provided with the best education possible and it would be such a shame should you not do well for yourself (monetarily). Upon returning to Botswana, it would be really nice for you to buy a new car and show that the seven years of studying were worthwhile. With that Actuarial degree, how about you find a well paying job at Fair Grounds and interact with other ambitious young people who want to make tons of money and show off their material worth. Also, a nice house in an affluent neighborhood would not be such a bad thing."
We call her/him Society and I am not sure this is entirely true. I find that most of us go through our lives thinking that Society wants us to do this and that, we want to do the safe and acceptable thing. But is it not us who come up with these standards? I fear that most of us are not doing what we really want to be doing, what our hearts call us to do, out of fear of what our community and peers would think and what we would think of each other. Its crazy. One of friends recently quit her job after a near-death experience. She has realized that, given that she could die any minute, she cannot waste her life doing something she is not truly passionate about. As expected, the judgments are too many to count. She is not scared at all but people around her are terrified for her. Many want to know how she will pay for her car and how she will survive. Again, it seems like security is valued more than dancing to the music in our hearts.
I believe that we all want the same thing, we want to follow our hearts. The societal expectations that we so often speak about are only the expectations we have set for ourselves. I believe tons of magic would happen if we were each to just listen closely to our hearts and dance passionately to that music.
"I haven't the slightest interest in being happy. I prefer to live life passionately, which is dangerous because you never know what might happen next." - Adultery, Paulo Coelho
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