Embracing my Contradictions.

I think it began with one of my colleagues, then an SRC member, asking me what business I had as a second-year Actuarial Science student reading Reverend Frank Chikane’s 'Eight Days in September'. I was then a member of the Executive Committee of the International Affairs portfolio of the SRC and probably among the very few in my class who got excited about things such as the election of a new SRC President. It was a lonely place. This took place in 2012, the year I realized I was not as passionate about Actuarial Science as I wished I was. I remember one incident in my third year; Moeletsi Mbeki had been invited to campus to deliver a public lecture! The lecture began at 2 pm and I had class from 1 pm till 3 pm. I could not wait for class to end and in my excited mood shared this with my classmates. None of them could be bothered; very few knew who I was talking about and were more worried about the next assignment than about South Africa’s poverty indicators. I constantly felt like the odd one out, the weird one (as we would term it in Primary School). My role in the Executive Committee entailed Secretarial duties and I had to be present at all meetings. I really loved this part of my student life but, it also brought with it a great sense of guilt when after class my classmates would go straight to the library while I went to serve my hour duty at the SRC Building. Even though I had counted the cost, I still felt like I was betraying myself and taking my degree and its status for granted.

Another incident took place in 2013; I think this was after I had been selected to attend the G8 Youth Summit. I was walking about in the Student Center when I ran into a gentleman who has become a very dear friend. He wanted to know how an Actuarial Science student could attend such a summit. He just couldn't get it! Between his spoken lines, he wanted to know what I knew about people and all that which concerned humanity. As an Actuarial Science student I was not expected to want to know what Moeletsi Mbeki thought to be our Architects of Poverty, I was not expected to have the content or the capacity to represent African Youth on such a platform. His question pierced my heart. I brushed it off while a light giggle and a friendly reply. My mind would constantly revisit this encounter as I continued to battle with my contradictions. It felt bearable not to be understood by my classmates, but it was very difficult to be rejected by those with whom I shared a passion or common cause.

Another incident occurred on an afternoon at the The Institute for Reconciliation and Social Justice. I can't remember what the topic of the critical conversation was for this encounter completely threw me off. It was a beautiful sunny day in Bloemfontein and I was wearing one of favorite maxi dresses. I had just got the tattoo on my back and this dress exposed was proudly sat on my back; Africa. I had a bounce in my feet!! I had also just completed my Actuarial Science degree and along with that had decided not to follow the Actuarial path; the bounce in my feet had so much to do with this decision! I felt liberated. In this good mood I made my way to the Institute (as we called it) and proceeded to greet everyone and find a seat. In my greetings I came up to one gentleman who was at the time studying for a degree in Law. Once we had exchanged our greetings, he wanted to know what I was doing at the Institute. He continued to share how he thought I should be crunching numbers somewhere or getting up to some nerdy habits. This just fueled the flames of the contradictions inside of me. I was at the time really confused about what I wanted to do with my life and his questions made it worse. I don't remember what transpired over the next two hours as I got completely consumed by these contradictions.

Fast forward to September 2014. I am now living in Cape Town and studying for a Masters in Mathematical Statistics. I live with numbers, LOL! A little over two months ago I got involved with an amazing organization, RLabs. This past Monday, as we sat and facilitated a Leadership session of the GROW Leadership Academy, one of my colleagues asked me a very interesting question. He looked at me and asked: "What are you doing here?" I burst into laughter!! He made an attempt to rephrase the question but he couldn't. I totally understood where he was coming from. He wanted to know what business a lady studying for a Masters in Mathematical Statistics had sitting on the floor with a bunch of youth people working towards re-discovering themselves and realizing their dreams. He wanted to know what business I had in the business of making HOPE contagious. My response was simple. My brain does numbers but my heart really, really, really loves people.

These are just a few of my many contradictions; some have been shared on this blog. My journey got more exciting once I began to let go and stopped trying to control how things turn out. The real MAGIC began when I let go of all definitions and defined paths. Its a work in progress; the contradictions are still here, the liberation comes with allowing them to BE and coexist within. 

I don't want to work a day in my life

A few weeks ago I met a young man, Craig Jephta. Craig started at RLabs as a student of the GROW Leadership Academy and two years later he is now a permanent member of staff. We met while I was visiting the Rocklands Youth Cafe (Cape Town) to facilitate a Digital session. Digital is one of the three components of GROW, the other two being Leadership and Entrepreneurship. Craig is such an amazing young man with so much positive energy to share with the world. He shared about the tremendous LOVE that he has for his JOB. This young man says he has not worked a day since he started at RLabs! He is among the very few that look forward to Mondays. I was deeply inspired. I want such joy and fulfillment in my work and life.

I feel so blessed to be able to interact with people such as Craig. He also shared about his earlier intentions to pursue a career in Political Science. The goal was to effect sustainable developments in people’s lives and he believed he could do this as a civil servant through an active role in policy making. While education is necessary, Craig asserts there are so many ways of making a visible difference in people’s lives and he does this daily at the Youth Cafe. His job is what gets him out of bed every morning. How many people can say this about their jobs? How many get to make such great impact through their jobs everyday? Universe, I hope you're listening! 

Surely some revelation is at hand

I 'met' William Butler Yeats for the first time in a Literature in English class at Gaborone Senior Secondary School. The year was 2006. Poetry and I had known each other before then but it was only on this year that we would fall in love. I remember an exam question that asked that we select a poem to recite and explain in detail, 'The Second Coming' was my poem of choice and it gained me most of my marks. In hindsight, I doubt my young mind really understood what the poem was really about. 

When I read it again two weeks ago, the world was not in a good space. I was not in a good space. I was in deep thought about Gaza, about Africa and what had happened to the 200 Nigerian girls. I was in deep thought about the future of Africa and whether we will ever find a way out of colonialism. Mr Gomolemo Motswaledi had just passed away in a car accident and I was deeply concerned about the future of Botswana. I felt as if all was falling apart and this poem was just a perfect description of that.

Two years ago, I had the opportunity of listening to President Thabo Mbeki give an address at the University of Western Cape. He opened his address with this poem, it was then that I began making sense of it. I believe that was the first time I got to fully appreciate this poem, especially in the African context.

    The Second Coming

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

    Surely some revelation is at hand;
    Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
    The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
    When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
    Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;
    A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
    A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
    Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
    Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.

    The darkness drops again but now I know
    That twenty centuries of stony sleep
    Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
    And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
    Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

I do not know YET

I find myself in a space where I am asking (myself) a lot of questions but not getting any answers. It is such an uncomfortable, but necessary, process to go through. On the broader spectrum (of life), I am referring to a variety of reading material and consulting with a number of Teachers, something that can in itself result in confusion. One of these profound Teachers has advised that I enjoy the questions, another has advised that I not mind the friction for that's the only mode of polishing matter. I believe the Universe to be so divine that once a question is asked, an answer definitely follows. I believe the answers will come. Here are my most dominant questions.

On Reconciliation.

Last week I attended a round-table discussion at the Institute for Justice and Reconciliation (IJR) where the topic of discussion was "Is it time to forgive?" Given its complexity, many of the comments and questions deviated from the topic. I believe it to be complex as it is a multi-layered question, its components being more complex questions. This was (and is) my question: "what is reconciliation?" Given that the name of the institute is IJR and that we were speaking on a matter that directly feeds into the 'reconciliation' process, I really want to understand what this term means. Exactly what are we, as a South African society, trying to reconcile? I believe reconciliation to be a process of bringing together that which once was one? If at all our mandate is to bring together the blacks and whites of our community, should we then not consider whether they were one to begin with. A study of history will show that our people were never one. Black people have been the object of oppression from the very moment Jan Van Riebeeck arrived in the Cape in 1652. Is 'reconciliation' then the right term to use? Has the IJR been correctly named? Has the Institute at the University of the Free State been correctly named? A term offered at a 'reconciliation' workshop I recently attended was 'nation building'. The guest speaker offered that since we have never been one, then maybe we should busy ourselves with the business of building a nation from scratch. Were we to decide on this route, where would we start? In a country with a very diverse population of approximately 51 million with 11 official languages, where do we begin and how do we go about it? Who do we consult about this process? Do we have able leadership to facilitate such a process? Are we even ready for such a process?

On youth education and employment

I choose to call it 'youth employment' so as to affirm that which I want to see in our communities. For a long time, I have advocated for quality education as a tool for poverty alleviation. For me, education is not a mere attainment of a degree, it is rather a process of learning that leads to the attainment of a degree and an ability to actively engage in a democratic society. I believe education to be the one tool that can break the many chains of (different forms) of poverty in our communities, both black and coloured. I now find myself faced with another question, the first having been "how do we empower our youth and communities?" I'm in a space where I know and see that education alone is not enough, it is necessary but not enough. Once educated, what will happen to our youth? Do they then go about looking for jobs? What if they cannot find jobs? Why should they look for jobs? Is it the only thing that they can do? Has the education system equipped them with the skills to do more than looking for a job? Having emphasised the need for education so much, what will be the next step? What opportunities or initiatives are we going to create to ensure that our youth can engage in meaningful activity? In the case of Botswana, what happens when the two years of internship (that follow after university) come to an end? What then happens to the millions of youth than now sit in departments which in most cases are not relevant to what they studied for? What is it going to take for us to start thinking beyond 'job hunting'? Isn't there more?

London, Anger and the G8 Youth Summit

Just little over a year ago, I had the great opportunity of attending the G8 Youth Summit in United Kingdom. It was such an exciting time for me given what I wanted (and still want) to do with my life. I felt (and still believe) that the experience came just at the right time. The opportunity provided just the right conversations and just the right ‘friction’ to aid my growth. But before we go there, I need to tell you about the anger that I felt upon my return. I sometimes laugh at myself though! I mean, who goes to LONDON only to come back filled with emotions of rage!?

                                            

The trip to London was a smooth one, 14 hours of air travel if I remember correctly. I arrived just a little late for registration but was able to connect with the African Union and South African teams. The following few days would be filled with debates and negotiations about what we felt what the ideal way forward for the world. I found myself in the company of close to a hundred youth who had been sponsored because of their passion to make a difference, or so I thought.

This is what made me angry:

1. The whole thing; the debates, the negotiations, it felt like a simulation. In the previous article, I mention how I thought the summit would be of little consequence; this was in relation to this. Thing is I'd gone to that summit thinking I was going to take part in debates that would definitely impact change in the lives of many. After day one, I felt so discouraged. I felt we were only doing it for the sake of doing it, so we may have it on our CV's and so the world community may mark it done. I felt like we were working towards a document that the 'elders' would not even make time to read. Yes, we got to network and we learned a lot from each other, but I did not believe we would meet what I thought to be the real objectives of the summit; create a path for positive, sustainable change.

The Summit's Sherpas

2. The majority of the discussions were about Africa and it made me sad that these had to be discussed on foreign land with the majority of negotiators being non-African. It made me so angry to have people who had probably only heard about Africa on CNN or BBC attempt to map a way forward for Africa!! And this was only a ‘simulation’. I can only imagine what goes on in the 'real' G8 summits. I'm now reminded of the meeting that took place in FRANCE to discuss the fate of the 200 Nigerian girls earlier this year!! It makes me sad and very angry that Africa doesn't have much of a say in the running of her affairs.

3. I think it was on the first day when I learned that some countries, European countries, had paid their youth to take part in the summit. It had to be youth with experience in diplomacy, international relations and so forth. That's why the summit felt of little relevance and impact. It felt like a show, just something to tick off. I mean, were we not supposed to select youth based on merit and passion for global development? Were we not supposed to select youth that would critically engage to come up with recommendations for their governments? My expectations had been that that building in Greenwich University would be filled with youth ready to stand up to their governments on matters of national and global interest. Instead we had youth who feared to make policy recommendations not matching those of their governments. My expectation had been of a discussion on ways of holding our governments accountable and demanding able leadership and responsibility.

A picture with Big Ben

Getting back to Africa after a week in London was difficult. I now had to face friends and acquaintances who wanted to know about the London experience. It was difficult because people didn't really want to know how it was, they didn't want to know the truth. Most people only wanted to hear about all the touristy activities and whether I'd met Big Ben. I couldn't tell them all that I have written above. I felt a little depressed after London. One of my friends actually told me that my happy had diminished. I wish I had trusted him enough to tell him all was not well inside of me. I get the same question about Cape Town. I've struggled to settle here, but I'm able to tell the truth, even though not always.

I feel better now, about London. Writing forces me to engage in critical self-conversations, writing makes it better.

Afrique Affair

About a year ago, while applying for a scholarship, I was asked to write about “LEADERSHIP: A personal experience or an aspiration” where I had to describe a specific activity or organization, mine or another’s, in which I had been directly involved as an activist or leader. In 400 words, I had to outline the challenges I had faced, how I had resolved them and what I learnt about myself in the process. I was still a member of the SRC (Student Representative Council) of the University of the Free State (UFS) at the time so the SRC experience seemed most appropriate and relevant to write about. I struggled though, for about a week I could not put my ideas together, the essay required honesty but, most of the information I had to be honest about was still ‘classified’. The major challenge for me was that I could not share everything while still in SRC office and while still at the UFS. I also realized that I had not yet reconciled with the experience and with myself to be able to write about it. So on the very last day, six hours before the deadline, I decided to change my topic and by midnight I submitted the article below. 

After a rigorous selection process I was chosen to represent Africa at the G8 Youth Summit of June 2013 in London. My role in the African Union delegation was that of a Sherpa, to act as a go-between the Head of Government and the five Ministerial portfolios; and between our delegation and other delegations.

A Sherpa has no agenda points, this meant that only my colleagues would write and submit position papers. During the summit, I would realize that I too wanted to take part in the negotiations, I felt left out of the conversations of global change. I would also observe as delegations kept to their respective clusters and how many would give their governments’ existing initiatives as their positions. The summit was a platform for the youth to share their intentions for the world and hold governments accountable. I felt this goal was not being met. I would also observe that many delegates had very limited knowledge about Africa. This was a huge challenge as many delegations found it difficult to comprehend our positions on various topics such as the political climate in African states.  I harboured sentiments of the summit being of little relevance as no government was required to read our communiqué. I felt defeated, that my contribution would not have an impact in the global discourse.

Two days into the summit, I would realize the importance and need for the Sherpa role. I directly supported the Head of Government and my Ministers, and this was not to be taken for granted. We, the AU delegation, then approached other delegations and shared in detail on who Africa is. Delegations such as Japan understood Africa and supported us. A colleague and I approached Italy, China and other delegations and encouraged them to share their own views of the world as opposed to those of their governments. Upon my return, I would realize how limited my knowledge of Africa was. This has inspired me to research, read more and to ask more questions.

The experience has made me appreciate the power that I have as an agent of change. It has shown me that I can inspire and impact change, that I do have it in me to live out my principle of leading by service. I have since resolved to invest myself in Africa and fight the brain-drain that has had a negative impact on Africa’s development.

I could only write so much in the space that I had been awarded. I want to write more about this experience, so as to reconcile with it (having initially wanted to run away) and to also aid reconciliation with myself. Africa’s relationship with the rest of the world has not been an easy one, that very fact results in my having a complex relationship with the rest of the world, a relationship I am yet to understand and define. I find myself asking a lot of questions about these two relationships and I hope that through writing I will find my answers.

“Life is too short to be wasted in finding answers. Enjoy the questions!” – Paulo Coelho

Brain Drain: Do I stay or go back?

Brain drain (in the African context) is a matter very close to my heart. When used, it is often in that context, of Africa losing skills and expertise to other continents. In this blog post, I wish to focus on the loss incurred by African states to other African states. This form of brain-drain has rarely been the subject of discussion as I converse with friends and family. A few days ago, I had one of these conversations with a very close friend. The conversation had been sparked by an article on the South African critical skills list that has been released to the public following the amendment of the state’s immigration act. It seems the government will be making it more difficult for non-nationals to find employment in South Africa, and I believe this would be expected for any government that wants higher employment rates for its citizens.

The article got me questioning what my position was on the loss of skills and expertise by African states to one another. Specifically, it got me questioning what my stance was regarding the loss that Botswana is facing as thousands of its sponsored graduates fail to come back home. Most importantly I asked whether my future plans would exacerbate or curb this disturbing phenomenon. Like any Motswana studying away from home I find myself having to make a choice of whether I will be staying in my adopted country or going back home. For me, the initial plan had been to get my first degree and go back home. But I am still in South Africa, two years after the attainment of that degree, with hopes of working for some of her leading organizations.

The plan, as stated, seems like a very solid one. Many of my friends and family have suggested that I stay here, for better pay and greater opportunities. But, I find myself painfully torn between serving my home country and attaining some of these personal aspirations. As plans changed over the years I decided that I would work here for a few years and eventually go back home. I thought (and still think) that it makes little sense for me to go back home without any experience from some of Africa’s biggest organizations. It would possibly serve my country better were I to first learn from these organizations and impart the knowledge and skills attained upon returning home. Such a plan seems more sensible for it ensures service to my country and the realization of my personal aspirations (whatever these maybe). But, exactly how does one measure ‘a few years’. It does sound fair for one to propose such but before I know it I might just find myself driving kids to school, with a growing family and investments, and without an option of going back home.

I always try to bear in mind that this is a Choice-point that not only I will reach. Thousands of other Batswana students studying abroad will also reach this point and, sadly, many of us are choosing not to go back. These are the very graduates that the economy so desperately needs for growth and job creation for a reduction in youth unemployment. These are minds that organizations need for turnaround strategies. These are hearts needed for initiatives and innovations required for development. Yes, South Africa and the rest of the world are doing great, but how will Botswana get to that stage if I am not willing to create the platform for ‘great’? Who is going to create the opportunities that have got me wanting to stay in South Africa if I am not willing to go back? And, who better to create these opportunities if not the person who has been exposed to them?

I feel like I should want to stay. I feel like I should want to stay just for a little while. But, would I be willing to go back after this little while of possibly starting a family and building a successful career with an income bigger than anything I could be offered at home? And, what would this decision mean for the development of my home country?